Afterschool Kids Conversations: Possible Carbon Monoxide Contamination

My daughter got home from school late this afternoon. Today was an extra special day, she was issued her first school laptop. She was bragging about how it and how it is a dell with Windows 7. I just let her go on and on. The school also provided her with a really nice laptop bag.

"Mom we have to keep the laptop in the bag at all times or they will take the laptop away from us," she said with the most serious face.

Oh course true to the fact that I am completely immature responded, "Well how are you going use it if it is always in the bag?"

This child that I gave birth to looked at me as if I was the dumbest person on the planet.  Momentarily she stared at me as if to day,"really.......great I am related to this lady." Then she walked out of the room.

At that time I was chatting with my boss on AIM and relayed the story.

She responded, "I guess your daughters does not deal in absolutes."

"I don't think my daughter has a sense of humor, " I IMed her back.

About 5 minutes later, Joey came in the room and pulled out a pack bowl of frosted flakes cereal from his backpack. This was the second day he had pulled out frosted flakes from his backpack.

Seeing the confusion on my face he immediately came up with a story. "Mom, someone just gave this to me, it was weird."

"So you are telling me someone just walked up to you and gave you frosted flakes, two days in a row?" I inquired.

"Yes."

"I don't believe you. I think you are buying breakfast from school," I stated.

"No....No...I give the lady my number, " he said and I rolled my eyes.

"So you eat at home and then go to school and buy breakfast. Then you come home and tell me that some random person gave you frosted flakes."

"No, mom I give the lady my lunch number."

He then walked into the kitchen with his cereal. I just looked at my husband with that look that says....you know our kids are completely nuts.

Once again I relayed the story to my boss on AIM.

Her response, "Is there a Caron Monoxide leak in your house?"

Guest Blogger: Boys will be boys

This was submitted to me by a good friend who loves to share her silly kid stories. I have feeling after this one, she will have many more to share. Enjoy:

Boys will be boys: Usually at the Wrong time

I’m a mother of two boys Mark who is 10 and Aaron who is 12. I became a single mom when they were about 4 and 6. One day I got this brilliant idea that my older son should join the Cub Scouts….

So he joined and we did this for one whole school year. I’m not sure which one of us hated it more, but I was not going to quit. I felt that we made the commitment we were going to stick it out. That was until the “field day” experience. Then I made his dad take him.

It was a Saturday afternoon and some genius thought a field day would be a wonderful idea. I’m sure it would have been if they had planned fun activities or showed up on time. Standing in the middle of a large field with a group of snooty parents while our older children ran around in circles was not my idea of fun.

I also had my 4 year old Mark who was not allowed to participate in this overwhelming fun. So he decided to work on perfecting his ability to embarrass his mommy. It worked…

About 45 minutes into the joyous event I’m listening to some mom talk about potty training or time out corners or something equally obnoxious when Mark pulled his move…

He reaches up grabbed both my breasts and yells at the top of his lungs “Honk, honk”!!!! There was no time to react and grab his hands before the entire group of parents stopped talking and turned to stare.

Needless to say we left…immediately!



The Plastic Fork: A Logan Classic

There are some things your kids do that you never will let go much less let them forget. Not to mention, there is a good chance I might still be mad.   I was telling this story in public the other day in a public place and people in the room started laughing. So I knew I must put this online and share it with the world.

I believe there is a moment in every parent life when they wonders if perhaps someone dropped your child on their head and did not tell you.

That moment for me came when Logan was in 4th grade.

I exaggerated a bit in my last blog, I do not hate all school functions. At Glen Springs Elementary, they did a fundraiser an annual fundraiser for the Safety Patrol DC trip. They had a school yard sale and parents could buy a table for 5 bucks and sale their own items. This was a highly successful fundraiser. It was easy to get parents to participation. I was one of those parents who was happy to buy a table.

I packed up some useless stuff that was collecting dust and made my oldest son accompany me to the yard sale. The day was pretty successful and towards  the end of the morning I let Logan play with one of his classmates. I thought.....what trouble could this child get into on school premises. That was not the brightest thought I have ever had.

After about 30 minutes, Ms. Haile(why is all assistant principal named Ms Haile, I bet there is some statistic that supports it) came out of the school with my son who was looking incredibly guilty.

This child which I carried in my body for nine months, kiss his boo boos, held while he cried, and fed noodle soup when he was sick, had managed to get in trouble for one of the dumbest things ever in the universe.

Logan was caught in the teachers' snack room trying to break in the snack machine with a plastic fork. That is right you read right, a plastic fork. I am not creative enough to make this up.

My son, who up until that moment, I never questioned his intelligence got suspended in the 4th grade for trying to break into a snack machine with a plastic fork.

Now to make this story even funnier, I just asked this teenager of mine if it was a fork or a knife because I was not entirely sure if it was a fork.  He walked into the living room and said, "Do you want to know the truth, " I was not sure at this point, "it was both."

Fortunately he was not a alone. Somewhere in Florida, Logan's accomplice possibly has to hear his mom tell people the story about the day her son tried to break in a snack machine with this weird Logan kid.

The Bubble Head Twins: The White Jean Woman

It may come as a surprise to many people who know me that I am not exactly a tennis-bracelet wearing mom. I do not join the PTA, hang out at bake sales, or volunteer for much of anything. If I can buy it, I will bring it. I do not even pretend like I bake it, I leave the Kroger label on it.

I do attend all the school events but I complain about it and hate every second of it. However, I am there.

So Taylor started middle school a couple weeks ago at Tuckahoe Middle. Last week was open house. Let me explain how open house works. Parents get the "PTA pitch for donations" speech and listen while they talk about how awesome they are and the great things they have planned. They do this to parents who are all looking at their cell phones and not paying attention. Then they introduce everyone to the staff that no one is close enough to see.  Then they dismiss you to go meet all of the teachers. Just the process of leaving the building reminds every parent of why they hated their own middle school experience.

Taylor has 8 classes and we had to follow her schedule during the day with 5 minutes to get to her class and 7 minutes to listen to a super tired teacher tell us how their class is structured.

In order for my husband and I to cope with this miserable experience, we tried to seek something to amuse us. Well this particular night our amusement walked out of the gym wearing white jeans.

Let me set the seen, this couple who looked nicely groom and moderately loaded walked out together. The mom was perfectly manicured, had an expensive hair style, and wore perfectly fitted white jeans. The husband reminded me of an absent-minded executive who spent more time at frat parties in college than class.

Fortunately my husband and I choose a seat close to them in the gym. We overheard them bragging to the parents behind us about how their son.....let's call him "Chip," not to protect his identity but because I cannot remember the boy's name, played football for the middle school. So Chip was on the football team and he was at practice and had a collision with another child. Now he has to wear a knee brace. I might have forgotten the story but they told to everyone who would listen.

Joe and I looked at each other in that couple sort of way. That way that says, "Can you believe these idiots behind us?" You know, that look.

So we walk out of the gym and some how they maneuvered their way in front of us.  And low and behold Joe and I looked up at the same time. On the butt of the lady perfect white jeans was brown smudges of dirt all over the back.

Once again, Joe and I gave each other the look.

Now this could happen to anyone, but it was because they seem to have this arrogance about themselves that they were so much better than everyone else made it funny to us.

Taylor apparently had this Chip kid in her class for the first four periods, so of course we got hear over and over about their son having a knee injury and playing football. The thing that was the most irritating was they seemed like that they were bragging. Wahoo.......my kid cold be disabled for life. Yeah us.

Finally we got to Taylor's civicz class and once again the Bubble Head twins were in class. Joe and I tried to be good and sit as far as way as possible but you could not help but hear it.......again.

This time they were telling the teacher about their son, football, and his knee. They went on to tell the poor teacher, who I am sure was tired as heck, all about it. The teacher politely listen and nodded. Finally after that, no more bubble heads. Joe and I finish out the night with nothing to laugh about.

We went home and was telling Taylor all about the parents. She looked at me and said....."Mom, are you talking about my civics teacher?"

"Yeah, they were telling him all about," I finished  the story.

"Mom, you know that teacher is the head football coach for the school," she said.

This time Joe and I looked each other and laughed.

These two parents were bragging to the coach about their son as if he did not know about the injury. They both were obviously oblivious to the fact this man coached their child. 

 

Joey and his New Hair

It has come abundantly clear since I started writing my blog that if I ever managed to put a book together and actually have it published, I am going to have to pay Joey the largest amount of royalties.

So today started out as a productive day. I went to Barnes and Nobles and spent two hours working on my classwork. I came home grabbed Logan and we had a productive lunch. We set goals for his behavior. I was feeling like a super smart mommy.

I came home and was hanging with the husband when we got some terrible news. Needless to say, it cast a shadow over the day.

But leave it to Joey to do something so outrageous so we all ended up smiling and laughing again.

I let all the kids go outside and play on the playground. Joe and I really just needed some quiet. We decided we all needed some family time when the kids got back. So we planned to go out for dinner.

Joey was the first one to come in the house to check in so, I told to him to go get his brother and sister that it was time to go out to eat.

He ran out, not acting in any way suspicious. Within in minutes, Logan barreled in the house. He wanted to know if we knew about what Joey did. I told him he had to be more specfic.

"Did you guys know that Joey cut his hair?"

No, neither of us had any idea. We really try not to make direct eye contact with the kids because they usually just ask for stuff.

At that moment Joey walked in the door. Of course, I inquired about his hair and really took a good look at the child. I noticed that he had no bangs in the front of his hair.

"Did you cut your hair Joey?"

"Yes, two weeks ago. Like it was this summer," he responded quickly. I think he was trying to confuse me.

At that time Taylor chimed in and it became a arguement of when Joey did what and with what.

So this is what I derived, Joey in the last two weeks has been gradually cutting the front part of his hair. The scissors were stashed under the bathroom and the two older children had seen them on the sink on and off for a couple of weeks.

Now I realized that little Joey is a little genius. First of all he did it gradually, so I would not noticed. And it worked. Secondly he almost got away with it because of this next part.

All three of my children loves tattling. For them it is a hobby in which they have turned into art. So Joey knowing this took preventive measures.

It was Logan's friend who first noticed that the child had whacked off his hair in the front, his full forehead exposed. I assumed the child realized he was busted. So this child being the genius that he is told Logan he was going upstairs to confess. This was the time he actually walked in the house and apparently the whole checking in with us was part of this act.

When he went back downstairs he told Logan and Taylor that he confessed to us and he was grounded for two weeks. He then told them it was time to go home because we were having a family time. Unfortunately for Joey, Logan and Taylor saw gold and they had to double check and make sure we knew. I think they both almost tripped over getting up the stairs to make sure the child was grounded and all knew of Joey's crime.

So in the end even though Joey came up with a great plan, his siblings shoved him under the bus face first, or dare I say hair first.

Joey: And The Amazing Barkley

Yep you got it, another about poor Barkley.

Most people know that I am not a morning person at all. The two oldest are definitely not either. However Joey wakes up with a smile on his face every morning and Saturday is no exception. Most of the time if we are asleep he will crawl on the couch and watch Spongebob until we get up.

It was about 830am last Saturday. I was laying there cursing the fact I was awake and wanted to sleep in. I heard something and I got up to investigate the noise. I opened the door and saw Joey laying the couch watching cartoons.

"Are you okay, buddy," I asked.

"Yes mommy, I am watching Spongebob," he said in his sleepy little voice.

"I am going to lay down for a few more minutes. Watch cartoons and I will be up soon."

"Okay mommy."

I looked down and Barkley was whining to get into Logan's room. So I opened the door for him and he ran in there.

I laid back down telling myself that Joey is seven and able to be left in the living room. In the middle of my justification, I heard this loud kitty scream right outside my door.

I flew out of bed and opened the door and there Joey stood looking guilty.

I asked, "What happened?'

"Mom, Barkley closed his tail in the door," he said super quickly.

"What?"

I could see the wheels turning in his head. Was mom going to buy it? Guess not, I should change my story.

"It was an accidennnttttt."

So I grabbed the cat and he seemed fine, annoyed but fine. I put him down and he ran away.

Then I looked at Joey again and did not say a word.

"Mom it was an accident."

A thousand questions went through my mind. Why was this child in the hall? Did I not just tell this child to stay on the couch and watch Spongebob? Why in the heck am I up this early?

And the anger started to build.

I looked at him and snapped, "Go lay down on the couch. "

I went back to bed cursing. Too mad to sleep, I finally got up and went into the living room.

Later that week we were discussing his lying problem and I reminded him of the fact that he lied to me about Barkley.

He looked at me without hesitation said, "No I didn't"

Logan and my Poor Barkley Kitty

Laughter is highly valued in our household. I am not a serious person and in fact comedy in our house is an asset to whoever can figure out how to incite giggling. Logan has always been a great sport, you can joke about almost anything and he never gets offended or upset. He rarely tells jokes or pulls pranks because he is not good at it. In fact, jokes are pretty painful to listen to coming from him.

Well tonight at the dinner table, I think he thought he would give funny another shot.

This teenage child who I bore and raised got up from the table and put his dish in the sink. He then causally walked over to Barkley(my cranky kitty cat), and picked him up. He then proceeded to lick Barkley's head like it was a Popsicle. The look on all of our faces have must been priceless. We were all in shock.

The cat looked like, WOW this is really happening.

No one could speak for the first couple of seconds, then Joe finally said to me....."Woman the boy is licking the cat." As if I missed it.

"Aren't you going to say something. "

"Nope...can't stop laughing," I said as the laughter had finally rose to my throat.

There really was no words, just a profound confusion and hysterical laughter.

Logan put the cat down and walked in his room as if nothing happened. Once again my husband try to convince me to do something.

I just responded with laughter.

Then Logan came back in the dining room two minutes later to ask for Claratin because his tongue itched. He has always been allergic to cats, not sure why licking the cat was a good idea.

So yes, Logan got away with his little display because he made me laugh.

However I am now concerned that Barkley may need some counseling in the future.

Taylor and her Passive Aggressive Story: My Future Politician

Taylor and I are driving to the store early last Saturday. It was just a normal Saturday morning, nothing special.

Taylor has spent a lot of time with her friend Sophie this month. I encourage it, I think a preteen needs girlfriends.

Most people know I am not a morning person. My idea of morning starts around 10am. It was around this time and I had not had my coffee yet. This is the conversation we had in the car.

"You know mommy, Sophie's mom does all the chores in the house. In fact, she told me she does everything because she enjoys it."

"Really, Taylor, I doubt that," I responded wondering where she was going with this conversation.

"No mom, all Sophie has to do is walk the dog and clean her room. Her mom comes home and cleans the house, makes dinner, and picks up after everyone. She does it because she likes it,"

"Does her dad work," I replied getting annoyed.

"No, he got laid off."

"Well, I doubt she enjoys waiting on everyone when she gets home from work."

"No, mommy she does and Sophie just walks the dog," Taylor insisted.

"So are you trying to tell me that after I get off work, I should pick up after everyone and do all the chores and be happy about it?"

Now I am completely annoyed.

She stopped short realizing that either: A: the tone in my voice was starting to sound angry or B: this strategy was not working

"No, mommy I just was talking about Sophie's mom."

"Well unfortunately for you, I am not Sophie's mom. I do not like waiting on four people and I will not be now or in the future be taking over anyone's chores, but nice try."

She then back peddled. And spent the rest of the day trying to convince me that she was not trying to trick me into do all her chores for her and her brothers.

I would love to know what moms think about this one.

A letter to my Children: Guess Blogger

A good friend of mine who has three children had a really bad day. We all know those days, the days where you are so angry you can feel it in every cell of your being.

She sent me this:

I am the freakin materfamilias (look it up in that thingy called a dictionary)

Got that??

This letter is to all of my children.

I am not going to name names as I type through this because each one

of you knows what it is you do. Do not attempt to be in denial about it.

With that being said, let me begin.

First off, I was so angry this morning, I thought my eyeballs would blow out of my head. I wanted to ram my truck right into that bus so I could give you even more of a ripping about how insane you all must truly be. What on this planet makes you think you can feed me some line of crap to weasel out of telling me the truth about what you are really thinking? If you don’t feel comfortable in telling me what you’re thinking, maybe that is a sign that this particular thought has no merit. I have a hard time believing that you feel like you can’t tell me the truth (like I’m going to beat your tail or some stewpit thing), so I am sticking with believing what you’re thinking has no merit.

I am sick and tired of being treated as your equal. I am not your equal. I am your mother and I deserve some respect as such. I am above you, like it or not. I pay your bills, I cook for you, I clean for you, I help you do better in school, and I try to help you do better in life. What has happened in any of your lives that has led you to believe that you are on my level, and that you deserve to have the things that I have and have already spent a good part of my life working so hard for??? I know what you are thinking, OMG! Mom is griping again. Well OMG right back at ya!!! I am over it. I try really hard to be a good mom and a little a lot of freaking cooperation would be nice. That doesn’t mean tell me what I want to hear. That means actually to LEARN from what I am telling you.

HOLY CRAP….LEARN?? YOU MUST BE JOKING RIGHT??!!!! But we are just kids mom, what are you talking about? We just want to be free to play games and sit around and eat whatever we like. Why should we have responsibility when we have you and Dad to handle all of our needs? After all, you and Dad chose to bring us into this world…so why must you make us suffer??? We had no say in the matter. Yeah, that’s right…I know that’s what you are

thinking. I pulled that crap when I was your age too.

These teenager years are sure to send me right over the edge. I have had an earful of WEE WAA. OH mom, do we have to talk…OMG, I just want to pretend the world is just going to fall in my lap and everything will be peachy perfect without me having to lift a finger. Are you serious???? Really???? I would like to set all 3 of you out on the side of road and let you see how far you’ll get on your raging good looks and the clothes on your back, and oh yeah, that Game Stop member card. That’ll really get you far!!! It is appalling where your priorities are sometimes. I want you to have fun, but can I get a reality check here?? Is this microphone on??? You are not babies anymore. Get over it. Suck it up and be somebody. Oh yeah, and just because you aren’t complete buttholes 24/7 doesn’t mean I should never correct you. Guess what…you are not perfect, your way is not always right, your way is not always best. I get so freakin tired of constantly saying , if you’re gonna do something…do it to your best ability. All I can

say is, if people routinely do a half-butt job for me…what am I supposed to think? Not much effort, guess it’s not very important! Oh mom, you don’t like the way I do anything. Am I not good enough? Do you not love me? Can I ever please you? OMG, call the freakin wambulance already. What a bunch of bogus crap.

Get over the laziness and lack of motivation already! When I ask and then show you how to do

something, please follow my lead. When you own your own house, pay your own bills, take care of your own yard, run yourself and your children anywhere you or they need to go, go grocery shopping, clean the house, buy clothes for everyone, make yourself get up and go to work day in and day out, buy vehicles, pay for health insurance and car insurance, and pay for gas …THEN YOU CAN DO THINGS YOUR WAY!

Here’s the deal

Life’s not easy

Nothing is free

Maybe you should take that money you are spending on video games and buy a bubble to live in.

I have spent much time today with my head in my hands. This day did not start well, nor does it continue to go well. All 3 of you have a large impact on my life and you don’t even realize it. Do you get that?

YOU HAVE A LARGE IMPACT ON MY LIFE…MY DAY TO DAY LIVING.

You have no idea how much I stick up for

you boys…all the time.

That is all for now.

Teenage Karma and the shocking Mom reveal

It has become increasing clear to me that because I am mom of a teenager, a preteen, and a 2nd grader, I am no longer cool. The days of dressing in black, wearing doc martins, and head banging to Smells Like Teen Spirit has passed. I have accepted the fact that my sole role in life is to embarrass my children. In fact, I make it an art form. My favorite strategy is generally singing loudly to some random song as we drive down the road. My second favorite is to say things like, "OMG and LOL" in random sentences in front of friends.

However nothing I really do now shocks my children. They have heard "your momma" jokes from me one too many times. I have to work to get them going. Today that opportunity arose. My inner geek arose and I shocked the teenager.

The opportunity presented itself early Sunday. I was the only one awake in the house. So I was flipping through the television. There is not a lot of options early Sunday morning. So I checked out HBO looking for Time Travelers Wife and low and behold there it was, Dragonball Z: Evolution.

So I ran in the kids' room and to wake up Joey. Both boys have a strange obsession with Pokemon, Dragonball Z, and other weird Japanese animated cartoons. As soon as Joey understood what I was talking about, he ran to the couch. He did not pass go, did not collect 200 dollars, or even go to the restroom. We both sat on the couch side by side, watching this live action Dragonball Z movie. Honestly I found it pretty entertaining and Joey was enthralled and quiet. There were times he giggled and other times he tried to explain Japan to me as if it was an alien planet.

I listened and watched and listened and watched. I absorbed everything. Joey tried to wake Logan, but atlas he had no luck.

Dinner came around, I had made a nice Gluten Free Lasagna. While we were waiting for the lasagna to cool, I dropped the bomb.

I was like, "SO Logan I watch Dragonball Z this morning. "

The child's expression went blank as if I had just told him I was going to walk on the moon in my pajamas while dancing the Chicken Dance.

His response, "No you didn't"

I said, " Yes I did. I know that Goku grandfather died and gave him a Dragonball for his 18th birthday. He had to find all seven dragonballs before Picolo did and wished for Ocryus to come back so he can rule the world. I know that Goku has Ocyrus deep inside him and that he turned into a animal thingy. I know that Goku fought the enemy within and chose to be good. And defeated Picolo. I know that he used all seven dragonballs to call forth the dragon to make a wish to bring back his master, who I cannot pronouce his name. AND I know he marries She She and they have a son named Gohan."

Logan's face was blank and a look of complete confusion swept over his face. Apparently moms are not suppose to know about Japanese animation. Besides the absolute shock from his face, there was a certain amount of wow there too. In fact, during dinner I babbled on and on about this and he stayed quiet. Finally my husband started getting angry because the two younger children were having a debate about Goku and his wife and their kids.

I looked at him like, you know this is what you get for having a thing for nerdy women. You married me, my inner nerd was going to eventually surface. That nerdiness was going to passed to at least one, if not all of our children. Now when my inner nerd arises it deeply disturbs my 16 year old and it is just a bonus to my day. However, I am concerned that I will have to put money away for some future therapy for the boy.

Joey's Story: The Cup

There are not many times when inspiration strikes or my children will do something funny that I debate on whether I should blog about it. Most of the time, I feel I must share a story. This particular one I have debated and debated. Finally I decided, I must share it.

Most people who know my youngest son knows that he is proud of his "parts", which I come to believe is normal as long as he knows not to show his "parts" off in public.

I do not share a bathroom with children, nor do I want to. All three are constantly arguing over flushing the toilet, apparently no one does but yet everyone does it. Not to mention, I think Taylor might kill one of the boys if they do not start lifting toilet seat.

Logan wanted to take a shower on Thursday, which is awesome. We encourage our children to shower, in fact we pretty much demand it. When one of our children wants to take a shower, we celebrate, especially the teenager.

SO Logan went to take a shower(on his own accord), and he came in the living room with a 32 oz Iron Man plastic cup. The conversation went a little like this:

"Mom, I think Joey peed in this cup."

"what??"

"I think Joey peed in the cup."

"what???" My brain was not processing this.

I got up and walked over to my oldest child and looked down in the cup. I then looked at Joey.

"NO." Joey responded.

I then gave him that do not lie to me look.

"Did you"?"

"Yes"

Then the next couple minutes were a little fuzzy because I was blinded by the fury within.

What ever I said or yelled in the next couple of minutes, I have no memory of. I just remember Joey sitting and crying on his bed.

For the next 15 minutes, almost everyone in the house sat quietly. I am not sure but I might have actually turned into the Hulk and my family was hoping that I turned from a green monster back to my everyday self.

So after the anger calmed, my husband walked into Joey's room. Two minutes later he walked out, with a look of confusion on his face.

"Joey told me that Logan did not flush the toilet two days ago, so he did not want the toilet to overflow. So he peed in the cup and left it by the shower."

With the fury rising again, " He is lying" was my only response. My husband just kept silent.

Later when I was calmer and tired of hearing Joey scream from his bed, "can I get up", I approached this child.

"Why did you pee in the cup joey?"

"I don't know?"

"Joey every one knows why they do something, no matter the reason, you know why you did what you did. Why did you pee in the cup?"

"I don't know?"

So I left the room due to the fear that I might turn into crazy mommy hulk.

Later that day, Joe took Joey to the store with him. I think he took because he was a little afraid of me at the time.

This incident is far beyond my reasoning. I have three sisters, maybe I am not use to boys. But Logan is 16, he has always been so private. He would not even urinate in the woods when were out and about when he was 4. It is hard for me to wrap my head around peeing in a cup and leaving beside the bathtub for two days. And I really do not think I want to know the real reason he did what he did. Maybe one day when he goes off to college he will shed some light on the situation. Maybe just maybe I will not be mad about it by that time. MAYBE