Logan and my Poor Barkley Kitty

Laughter is highly valued in our household. I am not a serious person and in fact comedy in our house is an asset to whoever can figure out how to incite giggling. Logan has always been a great sport, you can joke about almost anything and he never gets offended or upset. He rarely tells jokes or pulls pranks because he is not good at it. In fact, jokes are pretty painful to listen to coming from him.

Well tonight at the dinner table, I think he thought he would give funny another shot.

This teenage child who I bore and raised got up from the table and put his dish in the sink. He then causally walked over to Barkley(my cranky kitty cat), and picked him up. He then proceeded to lick Barkley's head like it was a Popsicle. The look on all of our faces have must been priceless. We were all in shock.

The cat looked like, WOW this is really happening.

No one could speak for the first couple of seconds, then Joe finally said to me....."Woman the boy is licking the cat." As if I missed it.

"Aren't you going to say something. "

"Nope...can't stop laughing," I said as the laughter had finally rose to my throat.

There really was no words, just a profound confusion and hysterical laughter.

Logan put the cat down and walked in his room as if nothing happened. Once again my husband try to convince me to do something.

I just responded with laughter.

Then Logan came back in the dining room two minutes later to ask for Claratin because his tongue itched. He has always been allergic to cats, not sure why licking the cat was a good idea.

So yes, Logan got away with his little display because he made me laugh.

However I am now concerned that Barkley may need some counseling in the future.

Joey's Story: The Cup

There are not many times when inspiration strikes or my children will do something funny that I debate on whether I should blog about it. Most of the time, I feel I must share a story. This particular one I have debated and debated. Finally I decided, I must share it.

Most people who know my youngest son knows that he is proud of his "parts", which I come to believe is normal as long as he knows not to show his "parts" off in public.

I do not share a bathroom with children, nor do I want to. All three are constantly arguing over flushing the toilet, apparently no one does but yet everyone does it. Not to mention, I think Taylor might kill one of the boys if they do not start lifting toilet seat.

Logan wanted to take a shower on Thursday, which is awesome. We encourage our children to shower, in fact we pretty much demand it. When one of our children wants to take a shower, we celebrate, especially the teenager.

SO Logan went to take a shower(on his own accord), and he came in the living room with a 32 oz Iron Man plastic cup. The conversation went a little like this:

"Mom, I think Joey peed in this cup."

"what??"

"I think Joey peed in the cup."

"what???" My brain was not processing this.

I got up and walked over to my oldest child and looked down in the cup. I then looked at Joey.

"NO." Joey responded.

I then gave him that do not lie to me look.

"Did you"?"

"Yes"

Then the next couple minutes were a little fuzzy because I was blinded by the fury within.

What ever I said or yelled in the next couple of minutes, I have no memory of. I just remember Joey sitting and crying on his bed.

For the next 15 minutes, almost everyone in the house sat quietly. I am not sure but I might have actually turned into the Hulk and my family was hoping that I turned from a green monster back to my everyday self.

So after the anger calmed, my husband walked into Joey's room. Two minutes later he walked out, with a look of confusion on his face.

"Joey told me that Logan did not flush the toilet two days ago, so he did not want the toilet to overflow. So he peed in the cup and left it by the shower."

With the fury rising again, " He is lying" was my only response. My husband just kept silent.

Later when I was calmer and tired of hearing Joey scream from his bed, "can I get up", I approached this child.

"Why did you pee in the cup joey?"

"I don't know?"

"Joey every one knows why they do something, no matter the reason, you know why you did what you did. Why did you pee in the cup?"

"I don't know?"

So I left the room due to the fear that I might turn into crazy mommy hulk.

Later that day, Joe took Joey to the store with him. I think he took because he was a little afraid of me at the time.

This incident is far beyond my reasoning. I have three sisters, maybe I am not use to boys. But Logan is 16, he has always been so private. He would not even urinate in the woods when were out and about when he was 4. It is hard for me to wrap my head around peeing in a cup and leaving beside the bathtub for two days. And I really do not think I want to know the real reason he did what he did. Maybe one day when he goes off to college he will shed some light on the situation. Maybe just maybe I will not be mad about it by that time. MAYBE

The End of Year ADULT Pool Party

Some stories just have to be told and this is one of them.

Let me start by giving you a back story. Every time one who has ever been to the pool know this one couple. They are notorious for being drunk........constantly. One particular incident led to the intoxicated man grabbing my noodle(my swim float), and putting it between his legs and riding it like a pony. Needless to say, the noodle was officially retired into the garbage on the way home and I fumed about for weeks.

So last night Honey Tree Apartments threw an end-of-the-year adult party. They went all out they hired belly dancers and TJ the DJ.

Now this party was a non-alcoholic party. However there was nothing to say that people could not drink before hand. The belly dancers got up and started their performance and it happened. The first intoxicated lady(who I am pretty sure had been drinking since the morning), got up and started dancing with the belly dancers. They looked a bit shocked. The girl was so smashed, she was dancing facing the wrong way and looking at herself in the glass doors behind her.

Finally the belly dancers finished up with requesting every one up on stage to dance with them. Now I am pretty comfortable with my self but I am completely sober, so that was not happening. A lot of people got up and it was cute.

Then it was time for TJ the DJ. He started spinning and then he started up the karaoke. First song sung......Sweet Home Alabama. Most of the people were not bad. We noticed that the drunk couple had been dancing provocatively randomly and they were getting a little hot and heavy.

Then it happened. Our former neighbor from the building with the fire, got up and asked us if we wanted to rock. Well of course and his response.......well it is not happening tonight.

Then he belted out a version of Under the Sea. The man sounded like Cookie Monster. It was truly the highlight of my night.

Quite a few more people got up and sang and the drunk inappropriate couple continued to randomly dance. I realized the drunk couple was the same couple who were always drunk at the pool and the man had put his privates on my noodle. They were both smashed.

And then it happened, the climax of the party. The lifeguard blew his whistle. He got up and walked around the pool because a woman in the pool was not responding. She was floating but not responding. He walked over to her side of the pool and blew the whistle. No response. He jumped in.

Apparently the woman had fell asleep or passed out, who knows. And he pulls her out of the pool. She is full of smiles. We are all watching in awe as the woman who came out of the pool was the same intoxicated woman who danced with the belly dancers and staring at herself. Apparently she was also good friends with the drunk couple.

Personally I think the three should sell their services as entertainment for adult parties.

Want to make your party a blast, call the drunk trio. They will act inappropriately and make every one uncomfortable, and send every one home with loads of laughs.

All and all it was fun. It was nice to get and have adult fun.

Logan and the Napkin

Well Friday night came and none of the children had plans. So they were all stuck with mommy. I decided to take the boys to get haircuts and get a few school supplies at Target. Knowing that taking all three children any where usually makes me literally insane. This particular night was particularity bad.

By the time we were done at Target I literally wanted to punch my husband square in the face. Not that he had done anything. Just because he was not there and he is my partner when it comes to dealing with them.

For some reason, they kids behave better when he is around. I have no idea why, because I have the biggest temper.

So knowing that I wanted to kill this man, he met us for dinner at Jason's Deli.

The first thing I saw on the counter was a Gluten Free sign, they now had GF bread. Finally my night was looking up. I ordered my sandwich(the first time in 6 months) and sat in anticipation.

About 15 minutes into the meal, it happened.

Let me frame this, some one in our house is always spilling something. I cannot tell you how many times Joey has dropped his drinks in various places in Richmond. Once when we went to the Richmond Flying Squirrels game, he dropped his hot dog and then I gave him mind because he was crying and he dropped mine.

He had already dropped his hot cocoa from Starbucks in Target. So I thought we had met our quota for the night.

I was wrong.

This time the guilty party was my daughter. She knocked over her almost full coke. The children had set at a different table on this glorious night because quite frankly I had enough of their faces.

So I look back and roll my eyes and told the teenager, who was vaguely staring at the mess waiting for to magically disappear, to go get napkins to clean up the mess.

Well the boy obvious did not notice the plural verbiage. So he trots back with one napkin. Yes that is right one napkin. If you did not get that, my 16 year old son ran and got one napkin to clean up an almost full glass of soda.

It was at that point that I looked at my husband and told him to look at the boy. His response, " the boy is going to live with us forever."

I had to know, "Logan why did you get one napkin?"

He shrugged and with his big puppy dog eyes and said, "I don't know."

It has now occurred to me that my husband is right. He is not moving out. Not because he has some infinite love for us and wants to stay with us,but because I do not think he would ever find his way out of parking lot. He would just drive around town wondering where his new place is located.

Logan and Joey: DS and Privates

Well it is quite obvious I should receive the award for the least mature parent of 2010.

I come in from Barnes and Nobles fuming because I was working on a paper and this group of people in the their golden years thought it necessary to sit next to me and use traditional means of conversing. I mean seriously who communicates without Facebook now a days. I digress.

So I walk in the door and the first thing my lovely husband says to me........"Ask me what your son did."

I fight the urge to run right back out the door and look at him and wonder which child did what. Logan was standing there with a proud look on his face.

So I bite," What did you do?"

Logan was never able to respond.

"Ask your son where he put Joey's DS"

No pause, " He put Joey's DS in his pants."

I immediately threw my hand over my mouth.

"Yeah, mom he stuck my DS on his penis and now it smells," Joey responded, "MOM, it is not funny, stop laughing."

I turned my head to where he could not see me and told him, " I am not laughing at that, I am laughing at something someone else told me the other day." (This is a classic line the kids have used on me many times)

It is at that time I looked up and see Logan was standing there. He was starting to realize I was too amused to punish him. Truly that is about the only way our children can escape trouble. Making us laugh is the valued asset in this house.

So with my hand over my mouth, I walked back to the room and started my lecture.

"LOGAN as a mom, I have to tell you that is horrible for you stick any of Joey's toys on your privates parts. But as an older sister.......hysterical."

"MOM", was the response from Joey in the background. "It is not funny that Logan put my DS on his nuts."

With that being said, it is air apparent I am least mature parent in the world. Sometimes I wonder who put me in charge in the first place.

The Incredible Fainting Taylor

So my precious daughter, who I mistakenly thought had

more sense than the boys, has shown me the error of my ways. Sitting there with books all the time and getting perfect scores on her state exams has seriously confuse my husband and I.

So we took the whole family to Kings Dominion on Sunday for Joey's birthday celebration. It has slowly become a tradition due to the fact we have season passes and it is 20 miles away. I have the trip down to a science and the cost is really lower than going to Putt Putt, Bowling, or the movies.

Well we always go after lunchtime because I am too cheap to eat at the park. I make everyone eat lunch before we walk out the door.

You know I generally have a policy that I do not look directly at the child because if I make eye contact, they want something.

So I did not pay attention to what the children ate or drank at lunch. I was already annoyed that no one was running out the door to go have family fun time. When we first started going the kids were up at 8am and so excited. Now I have yell at them to get up before noon.

So off we went to the park, off course we cannot leave the house and have a good time unless I am completely annoyed before we leave.

So we get there and we bypassed the park photographers(because I am too cheap to pay for that either). For anyone who visits KD, stay right because they only have one photographer on that side.

We head to SpongeBob 3D. It is new favorite ride and it is in air conditioning. Joey got to decide the order of the rides, so we headed to White Canyon River after SpongeBob. The line was long but the ride was closed the last time we went so we waited. It is a water ride so we thought we could it would be worth it.

Taylor was quiet while we waited. But she is normally silent, because she is secretly a ninja. Right when we getting close to the front of the line, she told me that she was seeing colors and her lips were gray.

Before I knew it she was on the ground. She had fainted but her eyes were open. So we thought she was just exaggerating. Joe picked her up and tried to get her oriented. She seemed to understand what was going on. So we got on the ride. She was conscious but she was kept trying to lay down. We were hoping that the ride would help her and cool her down quickly. Well we got drenched and she seemed a little better.

We got off the ride and we had to help her get to a place to sit down. Joe looked at her lips and they were gray. So we realized quickly it was not the heat, it was probably dehydration. So Joey and I ran to the closest place to get a drink.

Of course when you are freaked out and in a hurry, the dumbest people seem to be in front of you. Four college age girls spent 15 minutes trying to decide if they wanted to buy one souvenir cup because obviously this is not a purchase that anyone should make a snap decision about. I wanted to hire another teenage girl to punch these four girls in the face.

I digress, so I finally get the drinks which had no ice because they were out and made it over to the table where Joe had Taylor and was trying to keep her stable because she was still pale as a ghost. I gave her the drink and she drank and drank and drank.

Her color quickly came back.

I started asking her questions. I wanted to know exactly what she had drank since she woke up. Apparently she woke up and ate cereal with milk.

I asked my daughter if she drank anything with her lunch.

NOPE, nothing. And she preceded to look at me like I was nuts. I could not wrap my head around eating lunch and not having anything to drink with it. Not to mention she had a sandwich.

It was about 3:30 when she fainted. And she had half a cup of milk since 9am.

So apparently I will have to remind my daughter to drink fluids before we head out into the world. There is a possibility we will have to give her instructions on how to come out of the rain in the future.

So Joey and Taylor make a great pair. The razor face boy and the incredible fainting ninja.

Joey "razorface" Rupp's 7th Birthday

So today was my little man's 7th birthday. As I write this, I have memories of the day I had him. 7 years ago at this time (9:32 pm) I was pushing and crying. Well mostly crying and he was born at 9:40 pm.....tear. It is hard to believe time goes by so fast.

He told me last week that he was going to be a grown up. Well I am usually and expert at decoding Joey and can detect when the wheels are turning in his head. I must be slipping because I had no idea what was coming next.

I went to lay down for the my lunch break and Joe fell asleep on the couch. About 45 minutes, I awake to the birthday boy with ace band-aid and a towel. In my haze, I realized the child was bleeding. I asked my little baby boy why he was bleeding and he told me that he feel off his bed. Considering I split my eye open when I was 9 after I feel off my bed, it made sense.

I got up and walked to the living room where he was sitting and realized that the child was actually bleeding pretty bad. I started to examine and question. True to his nature, he stuck with his story. At that time, Logan walked out of the bathroom with his razor and his shaving cream. It was obvious he was lying. I asked my son of 7 years...."Son, did you try to shave."

He shook his head with fury. "son, did you try to shave?"

He was sticking to his story but he was looking guilty. Finally I negotiation no punishment in exchange for the truth. He bowed his head and admitted he thought he was old enough to shave.

Joey told me he had hair on his chin and needed to shave like daddy. And of course my heart melted, like it always does when it comes to Joey.

I told him if it was a good idea when we were asleep, it would be a good idea when we were awake.

Joey's little face bleed for at least 5 hours before it stopped.

We continued to enjoy his birthday and took him to Gamestop where he picked out Pokemon game. Then we made our usual trek to Skatenation for a round of laser tag. Joey played for the first time without us lying about his age. I know we were teaching him to lie but it would be horrible to leave him out. Now I know why he is completely okay with lying to us. But that is another blog. However, I am still shocked when Joey lies to me. Sometimes I am not the brightest.

We ended the night with dinner at Jason's Deli. Joey picked it because it has Glue-TON free food. He is such a sweetie. Of course the rest of the night he was mad because everyone called him razor face.

Then on the way home we reminisced about all the dumb things our kids have done over the years. There has been many.

Logan tried to break into a snack machine in the teacher's lounge with a plastic fork when he was in 4th grade. No words, just shook my head. Logan cut the dog's hair. He shoved an action figure down the toilet. He got suspended when his girlfriend gave him a stolen item from a school sale. He bit someone in first grade because the kid was picking his nose.

Taylor list is short. When she was two she drank rubbing alcohol twice. We were beginning to think she was going to be in AA. Then 6 months ago, she left her DS on the playground. Which I did not know she even took it out of the house. I really think the paint pealed from the ceiling that day from my yelling.

Who knows what the future will hold with Joey. Attempting to shave is up there at the top. Honestly, I am just glad he did not try to shave his neck. Now all the razors have gone up until we can trust Joey's decision making skills.

Joey is mad I am blogging about this and I informed him....."don't do stupid stuff."

How To.......Tips for Children so Mommy's Head Does Not Explode Part 3

How to......Fill the ICE TRAYS

Children,

I know in the new high tech world most people have ice makers, but unfortunately we are not one of those families. Ice Makers is for families with real money and we ain't got any of that green stuff.

So it is up to you to fill the ice trays. This task is quite complicated. So I would to review the process with you just in case.

STEP 1:First remove the tray from the freezer(the freezer is the top door on the refrigerator or ice box depends on your region).

STEP 2:If the tray has no ice cubes in it, please proceed to the sink and turn on the water at the faucet. Then move the tray under running water and move the tray in a back and fourth motion.

STEP 3: Once full PLEASE return the tray to the freezer. Do not sit it on the counter or the table, these things do not freeze water.

This is to be done after you remove any piece of ice from each trays.

I am just here to help because at anytime I cannot responsible for my behavior if I pull a tray out and there is nothing in them.

I assure it will not detract you from your video game or Spongebob Square Pants time it takes exactly 10 seconds if using these steps.

Joey Hearts Dr. Phil

So my Joey is quite the character. He is having a really rough time with Logan being a teenager and not playing with him anymore. They have quite a few arguments about Pokeman and video games.

Since I have been working at home, I tend to watch Dr. Phil a lot. And I guess I did not realize what a profound impact it was having on Joey. The other day he got mad at Logan and told us he was contacting Dr Phil. Apparently Joey believes Dr. Phil knows all. We all kinda laughed because he was cute but he was completely serious.

Well this rivalry is pretty serious because he told me he googled Dr. Phil the other day to tell him about Logan. He told me he was going to email Dr. Phil and since I can find emails, I should find Dr. Phil's email. I explained it is not that simple. I tried to explain to him Logan is just a normal teenager but atlas I am not getting through.

Joe does a great Dr. Phil voice, he tried to talk to Joey in it and the poor kid just gets mad.

So according to Joey, Dr. Phil is the savior of 6 year olds.

The Arguments: Joey VS Taylor

So my children have taken up arguing as a full time hobby. Yeah ME.

I do not think they can get through a day without it. It comes as naturally as breathing to them.

So yesterday Taylor was loading the dishwasher. When my daughter does this, she wears her iPod Shuffle. Lately she sings out loud during the process and without the music in the background it sounds a bit odd. Yesterday during a rendition of one particular song that she loves, Joey got annoyed. He was playing on the computer directly behind her and Joe and I were sitting on the couch in the living room.

Suddenly Joey states, "Taylor stop singing, you are annoying me."

"I can sing if I want."

"Taylor stop singing, you make my head hurt, " Joey responded.

Now mature parents would have went in the kitchen and stopped the argument before it progressed. But as I have established in past posts, Joe and I are not mature parents. So Joe and I sat on the couch and giggled.

Taylor got louder, Joey informed her about what he thought of her singing. Then little Joey turned up his music. Joe and I continued to giggle on the couch.

Finally Joey turned the music on his computer way up and I interceded.

Because while there argument was cute and funny. It is kinda neat to listen to how they interact.

The noise trumped all other cuteness.

Which brings me to this valuable lesson.

PARENTS do not care about JUSTICE, they want quiet. -Bill Cosby

Joey Stories: The Legendary Itchy Private Incident

I realized I have not blogged about my little turkey man in awhile. Man I have some funny stories about my little Joey. So I going to try to put them up on my blog.

First of all, let me explain something. I have three half sisters and two step sisters. There is not a boy in my immediate family but my dad. So having two boys has been a challenge.

Logan was pretty mellow. He was private little boy and always fairly inhibited when it came to his private parts.

Then my little Joey man came along, not only is he an exhibitionist, he is proud of the parts God gave him. In fact he is pretty fascinated by his privates.

Anyone with boys will tell you this is natural. Well I was still not prepared.

Not only is he proud of his parts, he never wears clothes. If we walked in the door anytime, he is in his underwear. My husband is constantly telling him......."son, put your clothes back on."

Not only does he walk around with in his underwear, he always has his hand on it.

So one day, I asked him......"Son, why is hand constantly on your private parts?"

He looked at me with the most serious face and said, "Mommy, it always itches." In fact, he looked at me like, jeez mom, I thought you would know.

Well I am not boy and lack those parts, so I am kinda lost. My husband proceeded to laugh at me because I thought he had a serious medical problem. Apparently I was informed that it was just an excuse.

I have many more Joey stories, but my mind is blank right now.

Mommy Secrets Revealed..........

Nagging Works Sometimes.....

This is primarily applies to multiple-children families.

If you have no brothers or sisters, it is not likely this will work.

AND if you are the oldest, good luck because our will is still strong.

As I said before in my Mommy Rules post, Mommies want quiet. Once again this can be a tactical advantage for a child.

Mommies do not have a super strength and can be worn down. I have the general policy which states, " I do not negotiate with terrorist."

Nagging can be our kryptonite.

When we want quiet anything is possible.

Mommy Secrets Revealed

Mommies do not have eyes in the back of their heads.

Children do not realize that sound travels.

It does not matter the age, a child will always look at as if to say......"How did you know?"

My poor children still have not figured it out.

Sometimes I think they thing I am old and going deaf.