Logan Stories: The BP Story

Not sure who put me in charge, but some how I am a mom. Well as many people know I have a teenager. While I was a pain in the butt teenager, I was aware of the world around me and I had interest in politics.

My son, who I found officially on the last day of school, failed the 10th grade. Not only did he fail on a whole, he failed all 7 classes but passed all of his state exams. Let me repeat, my son who use to be in honors classes, FAILED all 7 of his classes.

So in my infinite wisdom I came up with the plan. My husband and I felt Logan must have consequences.

So I decided while I am at work he had to learn something. I mean seriously I have my masters, well I am almost have my masters. I can teach the butt face something valuable. My husband told me that Tupac's mom had to read the New York Times when he was doing poorly in school.

So I woke him and bought him a book about the Vietnam War. He sat on the couch and read it. Then he did about an hour of Suduko to sharpen his brain. Then I had read the USA today. I picked really important sections relating to the war, teen issues, and the Crisis in the gulf.

So all was going well until I asked him about the political cartoon. He told me did not know what it means. I looked at him and inquired about what he did not understand.

Mom, what is a "BP"?

My brain went blank and stare at this boy who was about to become a man. Something just did not register in my head. After the many, many conversations my husband had since the spill started, the boy did not even sit up and notice.

"Son it stands for British Petroleum, " I responded after my mind fully comprehended that he seriously did not know.

"So it is part of Britain?

No, it is company headquartered in the United Kingdom and they own the oil well that is leaking.

I thought I heard crickets and a tumble weeds blew throw the living room.

I asked this child if he knew about the oil spill and they taught him anything in school. AND how did you know who BP was while living in my house.

I explained and reconsidered participating in public education. But at last, I was stuck because of the recession I did not have a job in Public Relations.......yet.

How To.......Tips for Children so Mommy's Head Does Not Explode

Children,

I am here to help you. This is the first in my how-to series. What is this purpose of the this blog you might be asking, well I am going to tell you, it is so that lovely woman you call mommy does not lose her mind and shoot you in the face with a fictional bazooka.

Here is how:

Step One: Remove the last empty toilet paper from the roll. (Most of them you squeeze together and it pops right out).

Step Two: Throw the used toilet paper roll in the trash......this is important so DO NOT skip it.

Step Three:Reach under the sink (the thing were you are suppose to brush teeth) and pull out a new roll of toilet paper.

Step Four: Take said toilet paper and put it on the roll (see Step one for

instructions).

Prep Time: 3 seconds

Actual Time: 6 seconds

****Time saved not hearing your mom yell at you for putting it on the floor,in the sink, or the bathtub, your whole life.

Joey Stories: The Legendary Itchy Private Incident

I realized I have not blogged about my little turkey man in awhile. Man I have some funny stories about my little Joey. So I going to try to put them up on my blog.

First of all, let me explain something. I have three half sisters and two step sisters. There is not a boy in my immediate family but my dad. So having two boys has been a challenge.

Logan was pretty mellow. He was private little boy and always fairly inhibited when it came to his private parts.

Then my little Joey man came along, not only is he an exhibitionist, he is proud of the parts God gave him. In fact he is pretty fascinated by his privates.

Anyone with boys will tell you this is natural. Well I was still not prepared.

Not only is he proud of his parts, he never wears clothes. If we walked in the door anytime, he is in his underwear. My husband is constantly telling him......."son, put your clothes back on."

Not only does he walk around with in his underwear, he always has his hand on it.

So one day, I asked him......"Son, why is hand constantly on your private parts?"

He looked at me with the most serious face and said, "Mommy, it always itches." In fact, he looked at me like, jeez mom, I thought you would know.

Well I am not boy and lack those parts, so I am kinda lost. My husband proceeded to laugh at me because I thought he had a serious medical problem. Apparently I was informed that it was just an excuse.

I have many more Joey stories, but my mind is blank right now.

A Family Day: The Pumpkin Patch

Joe and I are always trying to find authentic things for the kids to experience. A lot times we especially look for things we enjoyed when we were children. Not my parents never took me to a pumpkin patch but I did go on a lot of hayrides with my church.

In fact the last hayride I was on ended with my step-dad running over my neighbor with the wagon portion. That was in 1992, do not worry the kid lived. That was the last time.

Now seventeen years after that day, I went on a hayride with my kids.

My kids had a blast. It was their first hayride. After the ride, which was free BTW, we took a wheel barrel out to the patch and pick out a pumpkin. Man Joey was like a kid in the candy store. Then there was a maze made out of haystacks.

The kids has a blast, now the real challenge, carving them without any permanent injuries.

Mommy Secrets Revealed..........

Nagging Works Sometimes.....

This is primarily applies to multiple-children families.

If you have no brothers or sisters, it is not likely this will work.

AND if you are the oldest, good luck because our will is still strong.

As I said before in my Mommy Rules post, Mommies want quiet. Once again this can be a tactical advantage for a child.

Mommies do not have a super strength and can be worn down. I have the general policy which states, " I do not negotiate with terrorist."

Nagging can be our kryptonite.

When we want quiet anything is possible.

Mommy Secrets Revealed..........

Mommy Got Talent

Mommies have the unique ability to stare straight at a child while they talk and never comprehend a word they are saying.

Sometimes the only thing we hear is, "So is it okay with you mom?"

A lot of times we have no idea what we just agreed to let you do or have.

This gives children a tactical advantage in the war. They can always say, "But mommy you agreed."

We might have. We don't know. If we get mad, that means we can't remember.

Mommy Secrets Revealed

Mommies do not have eyes in the back of their heads.

Children do not realize that sound travels.

It does not matter the age, a child will always look at as if to say......"How did you know?"

My poor children still have not figured it out.

Sometimes I think they thing I am old and going deaf.