Guest Blogger: Boys will be boys

This was submitted to me by a good friend who loves to share her silly kid stories. I have feeling after this one, she will have many more to share. Enjoy:

Boys will be boys: Usually at the Wrong time

I’m a mother of two boys Mark who is 10 and Aaron who is 12. I became a single mom when they were about 4 and 6. One day I got this brilliant idea that my older son should join the Cub Scouts….

So he joined and we did this for one whole school year. I’m not sure which one of us hated it more, but I was not going to quit. I felt that we made the commitment we were going to stick it out. That was until the “field day” experience. Then I made his dad take him.

It was a Saturday afternoon and some genius thought a field day would be a wonderful idea. I’m sure it would have been if they had planned fun activities or showed up on time. Standing in the middle of a large field with a group of snooty parents while our older children ran around in circles was not my idea of fun.

I also had my 4 year old Mark who was not allowed to participate in this overwhelming fun. So he decided to work on perfecting his ability to embarrass his mommy. It worked…

About 45 minutes into the joyous event I’m listening to some mom talk about potty training or time out corners or something equally obnoxious when Mark pulled his move…

He reaches up grabbed both my breasts and yells at the top of his lungs “Honk, honk”!!!! There was no time to react and grab his hands before the entire group of parents stopped talking and turned to stare.

Needless to say we left…immediately!



The Plastic Fork: A Logan Classic

There are some things your kids do that you never will let go much less let them forget. Not to mention, there is a good chance I might still be mad.   I was telling this story in public the other day in a public place and people in the room started laughing. So I knew I must put this online and share it with the world.

I believe there is a moment in every parent life when they wonders if perhaps someone dropped your child on their head and did not tell you.

That moment for me came when Logan was in 4th grade.

I exaggerated a bit in my last blog, I do not hate all school functions. At Glen Springs Elementary, they did a fundraiser an annual fundraiser for the Safety Patrol DC trip. They had a school yard sale and parents could buy a table for 5 bucks and sale their own items. This was a highly successful fundraiser. It was easy to get parents to participation. I was one of those parents who was happy to buy a table.

I packed up some useless stuff that was collecting dust and made my oldest son accompany me to the yard sale. The day was pretty successful and towards  the end of the morning I let Logan play with one of his classmates. I thought.....what trouble could this child get into on school premises. That was not the brightest thought I have ever had.

After about 30 minutes, Ms. Haile(why is all assistant principal named Ms Haile, I bet there is some statistic that supports it) came out of the school with my son who was looking incredibly guilty.

This child which I carried in my body for nine months, kiss his boo boos, held while he cried, and fed noodle soup when he was sick, had managed to get in trouble for one of the dumbest things ever in the universe.

Logan was caught in the teachers' snack room trying to break in the snack machine with a plastic fork. That is right you read right, a plastic fork. I am not creative enough to make this up.

My son, who up until that moment, I never questioned his intelligence got suspended in the 4th grade for trying to break into a snack machine with a plastic fork.

Now to make this story even funnier, I just asked this teenager of mine if it was a fork or a knife because I was not entirely sure if it was a fork.  He walked into the living room and said, "Do you want to know the truth, " I was not sure at this point, "it was both."

Fortunately he was not a alone. Somewhere in Florida, Logan's accomplice possibly has to hear his mom tell people the story about the day her son tried to break in a snack machine with this weird Logan kid.

The Bubble Head Twins: The White Jean Woman

It may come as a surprise to many people who know me that I am not exactly a tennis-bracelet wearing mom. I do not join the PTA, hang out at bake sales, or volunteer for much of anything. If I can buy it, I will bring it. I do not even pretend like I bake it, I leave the Kroger label on it.

I do attend all the school events but I complain about it and hate every second of it. However, I am there.

So Taylor started middle school a couple weeks ago at Tuckahoe Middle. Last week was open house. Let me explain how open house works. Parents get the "PTA pitch for donations" speech and listen while they talk about how awesome they are and the great things they have planned. They do this to parents who are all looking at their cell phones and not paying attention. Then they introduce everyone to the staff that no one is close enough to see.  Then they dismiss you to go meet all of the teachers. Just the process of leaving the building reminds every parent of why they hated their own middle school experience.

Taylor has 8 classes and we had to follow her schedule during the day with 5 minutes to get to her class and 7 minutes to listen to a super tired teacher tell us how their class is structured.

In order for my husband and I to cope with this miserable experience, we tried to seek something to amuse us. Well this particular night our amusement walked out of the gym wearing white jeans.

Let me set the seen, this couple who looked nicely groom and moderately loaded walked out together. The mom was perfectly manicured, had an expensive hair style, and wore perfectly fitted white jeans. The husband reminded me of an absent-minded executive who spent more time at frat parties in college than class.

Fortunately my husband and I choose a seat close to them in the gym. We overheard them bragging to the parents behind us about how their son.....let's call him "Chip," not to protect his identity but because I cannot remember the boy's name, played football for the middle school. So Chip was on the football team and he was at practice and had a collision with another child. Now he has to wear a knee brace. I might have forgotten the story but they told to everyone who would listen.

Joe and I looked at each other in that couple sort of way. That way that says, "Can you believe these idiots behind us?" You know, that look.

So we walk out of the gym and some how they maneuvered their way in front of us.  And low and behold Joe and I looked up at the same time. On the butt of the lady perfect white jeans was brown smudges of dirt all over the back.

Once again, Joe and I gave each other the look.

Now this could happen to anyone, but it was because they seem to have this arrogance about themselves that they were so much better than everyone else made it funny to us.

Taylor apparently had this Chip kid in her class for the first four periods, so of course we got hear over and over about their son having a knee injury and playing football. The thing that was the most irritating was they seemed like that they were bragging. Wahoo.......my kid cold be disabled for life. Yeah us.

Finally we got to Taylor's civicz class and once again the Bubble Head twins were in class. Joe and I tried to be good and sit as far as way as possible but you could not help but hear it.......again.

This time they were telling the teacher about their son, football, and his knee. They went on to tell the poor teacher, who I am sure was tired as heck, all about it. The teacher politely listen and nodded. Finally after that, no more bubble heads. Joe and I finish out the night with nothing to laugh about.

We went home and was telling Taylor all about the parents. She looked at me and said....."Mom, are you talking about my civics teacher?"

"Yeah, they were telling him all about," I finished  the story.

"Mom, you know that teacher is the head football coach for the school," she said.

This time Joe and I looked each other and laughed.

These two parents were bragging to the coach about their son as if he did not know about the injury. They both were obviously oblivious to the fact this man coached their child. 

 

Joey and his New Hair

It has come abundantly clear since I started writing my blog that if I ever managed to put a book together and actually have it published, I am going to have to pay Joey the largest amount of royalties.

So today started out as a productive day. I went to Barnes and Nobles and spent two hours working on my classwork. I came home grabbed Logan and we had a productive lunch. We set goals for his behavior. I was feeling like a super smart mommy.

I came home and was hanging with the husband when we got some terrible news. Needless to say, it cast a shadow over the day.

But leave it to Joey to do something so outrageous so we all ended up smiling and laughing again.

I let all the kids go outside and play on the playground. Joe and I really just needed some quiet. We decided we all needed some family time when the kids got back. So we planned to go out for dinner.

Joey was the first one to come in the house to check in so, I told to him to go get his brother and sister that it was time to go out to eat.

He ran out, not acting in any way suspicious. Within in minutes, Logan barreled in the house. He wanted to know if we knew about what Joey did. I told him he had to be more specfic.

"Did you guys know that Joey cut his hair?"

No, neither of us had any idea. We really try not to make direct eye contact with the kids because they usually just ask for stuff.

At that moment Joey walked in the door. Of course, I inquired about his hair and really took a good look at the child. I noticed that he had no bangs in the front of his hair.

"Did you cut your hair Joey?"

"Yes, two weeks ago. Like it was this summer," he responded quickly. I think he was trying to confuse me.

At that time Taylor chimed in and it became a arguement of when Joey did what and with what.

So this is what I derived, Joey in the last two weeks has been gradually cutting the front part of his hair. The scissors were stashed under the bathroom and the two older children had seen them on the sink on and off for a couple of weeks.

Now I realized that little Joey is a little genius. First of all he did it gradually, so I would not noticed. And it worked. Secondly he almost got away with it because of this next part.

All three of my children loves tattling. For them it is a hobby in which they have turned into art. So Joey knowing this took preventive measures.

It was Logan's friend who first noticed that the child had whacked off his hair in the front, his full forehead exposed. I assumed the child realized he was busted. So this child being the genius that he is told Logan he was going upstairs to confess. This was the time he actually walked in the house and apparently the whole checking in with us was part of this act.

When he went back downstairs he told Logan and Taylor that he confessed to us and he was grounded for two weeks. He then told them it was time to go home because we were having a family time. Unfortunately for Joey, Logan and Taylor saw gold and they had to double check and make sure we knew. I think they both almost tripped over getting up the stairs to make sure the child was grounded and all knew of Joey's crime.

So in the end even though Joey came up with a great plan, his siblings shoved him under the bus face first, or dare I say hair first.

Joey: And The Amazing Barkley

Yep you got it, another about poor Barkley.

Most people know that I am not a morning person at all. The two oldest are definitely not either. However Joey wakes up with a smile on his face every morning and Saturday is no exception. Most of the time if we are asleep he will crawl on the couch and watch Spongebob until we get up.

It was about 830am last Saturday. I was laying there cursing the fact I was awake and wanted to sleep in. I heard something and I got up to investigate the noise. I opened the door and saw Joey laying the couch watching cartoons.

"Are you okay, buddy," I asked.

"Yes mommy, I am watching Spongebob," he said in his sleepy little voice.

"I am going to lay down for a few more minutes. Watch cartoons and I will be up soon."

"Okay mommy."

I looked down and Barkley was whining to get into Logan's room. So I opened the door for him and he ran in there.

I laid back down telling myself that Joey is seven and able to be left in the living room. In the middle of my justification, I heard this loud kitty scream right outside my door.

I flew out of bed and opened the door and there Joey stood looking guilty.

I asked, "What happened?'

"Mom, Barkley closed his tail in the door," he said super quickly.

"What?"

I could see the wheels turning in his head. Was mom going to buy it? Guess not, I should change my story.

"It was an accidennnttttt."

So I grabbed the cat and he seemed fine, annoyed but fine. I put him down and he ran away.

Then I looked at Joey again and did not say a word.

"Mom it was an accident."

A thousand questions went through my mind. Why was this child in the hall? Did I not just tell this child to stay on the couch and watch Spongebob? Why in the heck am I up this early?

And the anger started to build.

I looked at him and snapped, "Go lay down on the couch. "

I went back to bed cursing. Too mad to sleep, I finally got up and went into the living room.

Later that week we were discussing his lying problem and I reminded him of the fact that he lied to me about Barkley.

He looked at me without hesitation said, "No I didn't"

Logan and my Poor Barkley Kitty

Laughter is highly valued in our household. I am not a serious person and in fact comedy in our house is an asset to whoever can figure out how to incite giggling. Logan has always been a great sport, you can joke about almost anything and he never gets offended or upset. He rarely tells jokes or pulls pranks because he is not good at it. In fact, jokes are pretty painful to listen to coming from him.

Well tonight at the dinner table, I think he thought he would give funny another shot.

This teenage child who I bore and raised got up from the table and put his dish in the sink. He then causally walked over to Barkley(my cranky kitty cat), and picked him up. He then proceeded to lick Barkley's head like it was a Popsicle. The look on all of our faces have must been priceless. We were all in shock.

The cat looked like, WOW this is really happening.

No one could speak for the first couple of seconds, then Joe finally said to me....."Woman the boy is licking the cat." As if I missed it.

"Aren't you going to say something. "

"Nope...can't stop laughing," I said as the laughter had finally rose to my throat.

There really was no words, just a profound confusion and hysterical laughter.

Logan put the cat down and walked in his room as if nothing happened. Once again my husband try to convince me to do something.

I just responded with laughter.

Then Logan came back in the dining room two minutes later to ask for Claratin because his tongue itched. He has always been allergic to cats, not sure why licking the cat was a good idea.

So yes, Logan got away with his little display because he made me laugh.

However I am now concerned that Barkley may need some counseling in the future.

Taylor and her Passive Aggressive Story: My Future Politician

Taylor and I are driving to the store early last Saturday. It was just a normal Saturday morning, nothing special.

Taylor has spent a lot of time with her friend Sophie this month. I encourage it, I think a preteen needs girlfriends.

Most people know I am not a morning person. My idea of morning starts around 10am. It was around this time and I had not had my coffee yet. This is the conversation we had in the car.

"You know mommy, Sophie's mom does all the chores in the house. In fact, she told me she does everything because she enjoys it."

"Really, Taylor, I doubt that," I responded wondering where she was going with this conversation.

"No mom, all Sophie has to do is walk the dog and clean her room. Her mom comes home and cleans the house, makes dinner, and picks up after everyone. She does it because she likes it,"

"Does her dad work," I replied getting annoyed.

"No, he got laid off."

"Well, I doubt she enjoys waiting on everyone when she gets home from work."

"No, mommy she does and Sophie just walks the dog," Taylor insisted.

"So are you trying to tell me that after I get off work, I should pick up after everyone and do all the chores and be happy about it?"

Now I am completely annoyed.

She stopped short realizing that either: A: the tone in my voice was starting to sound angry or B: this strategy was not working

"No, mommy I just was talking about Sophie's mom."

"Well unfortunately for you, I am not Sophie's mom. I do not like waiting on four people and I will not be now or in the future be taking over anyone's chores, but nice try."

She then back peddled. And spent the rest of the day trying to convince me that she was not trying to trick me into do all her chores for her and her brothers.

I would love to know what moms think about this one.