Mommy Secrets Revealed..........

Mommy Got Talent

Mommies have the unique ability to stare straight at a child while they talk and never comprehend a word they are saying.

Sometimes the only thing we hear is, "So is it okay with you mom?"

A lot of times we have no idea what we just agreed to let you do or have.

This gives children a tactical advantage in the war. They can always say, "But mommy you agreed."

We might have. We don't know. If we get mad, that means we can't remember.

Mommy Secrets Revealed

Mommies do not have eyes in the back of their heads.

Children do not realize that sound travels.

It does not matter the age, a child will always look at as if to say......"How did you know?"

My poor children still have not figured it out.

Sometimes I think they thing I am old and going deaf.

Mommy Rules

Here are the rules in my house. They might be similar in yours.


NOTE: I do not care about fair or justice. That is democracy, you live in a dictatorship.


1. Clean laundry is to be put away:
I did not just spend four hours washing and folding for you to put your clothes on the floor, by the dresser, next to the closet......or any where else which is not the proper place.

2. Do not drag me into your arguments:
This is for your own sanity. I do not care who started it, who is right, who is the victim......I only care about quiet and your arguments are not quiet. If you have any sense, please negotiate with your sister and/or brother. You will NOT like how I settle it. Please refer to NOTE above.

3. Dishwashers, put all dishes in the dishwasher:
Now I am sure that you do not want to hear about how I had to wash dishes by hand back in the day (80s). You should appreciate the fact that you have one and fill the dishwasher to capacity. I do not want to walk in and just see plates and cups in the dishwasher and the pots and pans in the sink. AND no, it does not take 24 hours for pots and pans to soak.

4. I am not the entertainment committee:
I have no idea why you so are bored. I am not sure why Santa brought you all those toys if they were going to bore you. So maybe Santa will bring you clothes next year, since you are bored with all your toys by January.

5. You do not need a snack every hour:
No one needs to eat every hour. I know that your metabolism is faster than mine, but please.
If you are eating out of boredom, please reference number 4.

6. Do not only talk to me when you want something:
It is not my job to be your personal granter of wishes. Please talk to me about more than what you want. Nothing is more annoying to any mom it than constantly hear "Can I have....." We are people too, we were not born to grant you every wish.

7. Toilet Paper:
This is big one. IT BELONGS ON THE ROLL. Not beside it, not on the floor, not on the back of the toilet, ON THE ROLL. It takes a total of 5 more seconds to put it on the roll. Please do so.

8. Television Rights: You have none. See note above. If I want watch America's Got Talent or Cake Boss, too bad. If I want to watch a R-rated movie on HBO, your father and I paid for it. When you get jobs and pay for cable, you can watch FlapJack or SpongeBob until your little hearts content.

9: My Memory:
My memory is not that bad, if you repeat something more than twice, I will remember it. If you repeat more than 20 times, I am going to get mad. Granted I cannot remember all your names all the times, but my brain does function.

10. My Word is Final:
As I said before, I do not care about fair or justice. So save your breathe for debate class. I am like President Bush, I do not negotiate with terrorist.

*** These rules are posted for your self-interest. At anytime if I feel it necessary to change them for your welfare, your safety, or my amusement, I shall do so. I have no obligation to let you know in advance.

Steps to Making Rice Krispies Treat with Children

Here are the Step By Step Instructions.

Took me 30 something years to figure it out, but I got it down to the science.

Step one, argue with your children on who gets to pour the cereal and the marshmallows in the pan.

Step two, take the marshmallows away from said kids who are still arguing and put them in the container and put it in the oven.

Step three, add 3 tablespoons of butter while still in the oven, while trying to protect the remanding marshmallows from the 5 year old's greedy hands.

Step four, tell your 5 year old that it will be another 30 seconds every time he asks. This will last for about 5 minutes.

Step five, pull pan out of the oven. Let the ten year old stir the marshmallows and the 5 year old pour the cereal. Tip....try really hard not to lose count of the cups. The 5 year old will forget and this will start an argument.

Step six, after all the cereal and the marshmallow is mixed by the children, tell them good job. And take over. Mix it the proper way while the kids are licking their fingers.

Final step, take wax paper and push the mixture down. Then remind the children that no one can eat it until it sets. Then remind them that you will shoot them in the face if anyone touches the treats before they are ready. Repeat if necessary.

Then turn on the WII to keep them occupied.

Just a reminder...if you sleep late you will not get any treats. Make sure to eat at least one before you go to bed.

Logan is 15

It is hard to believe that Logan is fifteen.

It seems like yesterday that he was sleeping on my chest every night.

I will never forget his little hands and feet. He had the brightest blue eyes I have ever seen.

Let me back up. On March 27th I was woke up by labor pains. I knew instantly that it was time. But I also knew I had time. So I told Logan's biological father that I felt like I was in labor. He just looked at me and went back to sleep. I decided to walk to the store and buy something.

While there I had a contraction. The woman behind corner asked me if I was okay. I said, oh yeah I am just in labor. I have plenty of time.

We went to Bob and Maggie's house. I do not remember a lot. I just remember sitting on the couch contracting. But they were not close enough and I did not want to be sent home. So I waited and contracted. Bob sat with me while I contracted. He watched me like I was a time bomb.

I told Logan's aunt Mary that I was in labor. She did not believe me. So I went with her to clean an office. I sat while she cleaned. She made me sit on plastic because she was afraid my water would break.

After that she took me to the hospital. It was about 8pm on Sunday night. They checked me and I was 5 centimeters dilated. No turning back he was on the way.

The nurse broke my water and the pain was extraordinary. I remember Mary patting my hand during the contraction and Kenny just standing there confused. That is all I really remember about him being there.

The funny thing was Mary would talk on the phone between contractions. She is a real idiot but I am glad someone was there besides Kenny. It is not like I really had anyone to support me at that time.

I was lonely until the moment Logan was born.

Anyway a man came in an gave me my epidural. I wanted to marry that man. He was beautiful. The pain was gone and I was finally able to relax.

I was finally able to relax. I remember them coming in and putting a heart monitor on his forehead. I am not sure if that was before or after the epidural, but it has been 15 years.

I remember after a while. I started to feel pressure. I told the nurse that I thought he was coming. She told me that she thought it would be about 8am. I did not think so because I was starting to feel pain again. It was not contractions.

I think it was about 2 or 3 am. I think finally I started feeling a lot of pressure. I wanted it out. My back was killing me. In the chaos of the moments after that, I do not remember when I started pushing. I just remember Dr. Gelman coming in when I was crowning.

I remember thinking at some point that they said they would call the doctor when it was time. I remember panicking and thinking that man was probably having sex with his wife and I would have to wait until the was done. I was not rational in those moments.

I started pushing and he walked in. He pulled Logan out. I remember crying and saying thank God. Not because he was here but because the pain was gone. At one point during I remember telling that I was going to have to cut me because his head was so big.

Another memory I have, was the nurse checking me before I started pushing. I remember her telling that she could see dark hair.

They pulled him out and put him on my stomach. He was so beautiful. He did not have any hair. So I really do not think the nurse knew what she was looking at before I was pushing.

I had him at 3:48 or 3:59am. I get mixed only because they initially mixed up the times on different documents. So it never stuck in my long term memory.

I could not sleep. I was so excited. The nurse cleaned me up and before you know I was walking around. I was so happy. I called my dad.

He came straight to the hospital. He seem to gloat over him and left. Soon after that, I am not sure when but my mom and MS showed up. It is blurry for the rest of the day.

I remember that when I went to sleep, the nurse came in and wanted to take Logan to the nursery. I was not having it. She was kinda mean. She told I needed the rest. I told her that she was not going to be with me when I take him home.

She came back later and told me that I needed to leave my door opened. I pretty sure that she was not happy about teen moms. Whatever, the next day I was discharged. It took them forever to come get me and I got pissy and took him blankets and my hospital gown. You can still see the benadine on garment.

Today 15 years later, so much has changed. I would love to say he is my little man but he is not. He is a teenager. Sometimes I wish I could have an hour back to hold him in my arms again.

Like I said, from the day he was born I never been alone. He is the start of the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know that I have not been perfect, but I love him with all my heart and soul.

Today we spent his birthday without Joe. We had beautiful day. We went to the mall and hung out. We bought video games, shirts, and hats. Then we ate at Cinnamunster. After that he had a doctor appointment with the eye doctor. They checked his eye for damage from the tennis ball. Everything was good. The doctor wrote him a prescription for glasses and we were off.

We went to play laser tag at Laser Quest. We had a blast. I ranked higher than the kids. I was ranked 17th, Logan ranked 27th just one higher than little Joey. Taylor ranked 25th.

Then we went to Buffalo Wild Wings. It was a wonderful day. I hope that all birthdays were this good. I wish Joe was there but I doubt he would have enjoyed the day like we did.

Looking at the clock, it is 11 til midnight and Logan birthday will be over. I still in shock that he is 15. It was 15 for me that went so terribly wrong. I hope that Logan has an easier time. I pray that I do a better job than my parents.

New Joey Sayings Part 2

This child never quits. When he is talking something funny is coming out of it. Here are the latest.

1. Mommy I changed my name to Joey Johnson because it rhymes.

2. Yo Yo Yo

3. My butt is soft mom.

4. Byouyah, Baby.

5. LOL......amigos(not sure where he got that one).

6. Two place is good.

Bill Cosby was RIGHT

In the great and wise words of Bill Cosby.......children are brain damaged. My kids are loaded with it.

It snowed between 6 to 9 inches(multiple news stations have multiple stories). So I have been trapped in the house with these three brain damaged children. You think that it would be a great time. Like a three day weekend. Heck No.

I have one child who cannot function unless you turn his video game off. AND I just spent 60 dollars to get his electric guitar fixed. Which he bugged the crap out of me for two weeks to pick the thing up.

Then there is my darling daughter. She thinks that she is my little commander. She keeps me informed about everything that happens in the house. I when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING......Joey picked his nose and whipped it on the dog. Logan is still playing video games and I think he is farting and enjoying it. I think this child would tattle on herself if she thought she would get a leg up in the family.

Then there is Joey. He is so cute and adorable. But he will ask you the same question until your head explodes. Mommy can I have a snack...Mommy can I have a snack...Mommy can I have a snack...Mommy can I have a snack...Mommy can I have a snack...Mommy can I have a snack...He never fully lets your brain process the question.

I believe that I could write birth control commericals . Or possibly single-handly spot teenage pregnancy. I should become and inspriational speaker.

No one told me what I was signing up for when I had them. I never said.....Gee I should have three kids who do not listen, pick up after themselves, and gets along. As a bonus I think they should all forget to brush their teeth and never can firgure out how to to put a dish in the dishwasher.

Do not get me wrong.....I love my kids to pieces. But I think I want to shoot them in the face with a bazooka.

And now I am snowed in with these people.